Not an addict
by Lil' Djinn
Summary: It’s not an addiction, thinks Sam everytime he drinks her blood. It’s not and addiction ... even if he needs it so bad.


**Title** : Not an addict

**Author** : Lil' Djinn

**Disclaimer** : I know it sucks but I don't own Supernatural !

**Summary** : It's not an addiction, thinks Sam everytime he drinks her blood. It's not and addiction, even if he needs it so bad.

**A/N** : So, this is my first english fic (for a french writer like me it's a real challenge !!! Oh yeah !)

I'd like to thanks Marinawings (my beta reader) for her helps and her gentleness. This fic is published thanks to her !!!

Thanks a lot Marina.

If there's some mistakes in this fic, it's just **my **fault !!!

And remember, reviews are welcomed and cherished and loved and … !!! Lol. :)

All the lyrics are from **K's Choice "Not an addict"**

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"_ Breathe it in and breathe it out  
And pass it on, it's almost out  
We're so creative, so much more  
We're high above but on the floo_r "

Ruby's blood floods his veins, so strong and powerful as Sam releases the demon's wrist. His lips lick her skin, slowly,and he hears her hissing but it doesn't pay attention. Not now. Not when he feels so good.

" _It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
If you don't have it you're on the other side_ "

Yeah … alive. That's exactly how he feels. So alive. His body feels so sensitive, like his skin was too stretched, too thin and he can hear his heart beating hard and fast in his chest, pumping his and Ruby's blood in his body, warming him, making him more aware of his surroundings. Ruby's breath, a little harsh. Her gaze on him, her smug smile. The feeling of the scratchy plaid under his fingers. The hypnotic sound of water in the bathroom.  
He feels like floating but everything is clearer, the colors brighter and the noises sharper and god, it's an amazing sensation!

"_ The deeper you stick it in your vein  
The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain  
I'm in heaven, I'm a god  
I'm everywhere, I feel so hot _"

All the bad feelings, the pain, the memory, the fear, the guilt, everything disappears when the power of Ruby's blood submerges him. Like a wave sweeping out all of this ... even his brother's face. Sam takes a deep breathe and savors the sensation. He feels it coursing into his veins and he knows, deep down, that he is now able to do everything. He is powerful … no, he is more. He is Power.

" _It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
If you don't have it you're on the other side  
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie) _"

He knows exactly what he is doing. Hey, he's a Standford guy, son and brother of the famous Winchesters. Nobody can fool him, not even Ruby. And he is doing this to find and kill Lillith. That's all. He just needs a little help to destroy that bitch, just a little push to send her back into Hell. The blood makes him more powerful than whatever demon, more powerful than Ruby, Lilith, Alistair and even Lucifer. Sam is sure he can beat her. He knows now how to use his power. How to use Azazel's little gift. His father and even his brother have always thought Azazel gift was cursed, that his visions were a bad thing but they were wrong. So wrong. Sam knows it now. He can feel it. Such power can't be bad. Not when you live his life. Not when you're a Winchester.

" _It's over now, I'm cold, alone  
I'm just a person on my own  
Nothing means a thing to me  
(Nothing means a thing to me)_ "

The night is falling and Sam shivers when he opens his eyes. Ruby's gone. The room is empty. Silent. And the coldness and the emptiness are back. His brother face dance behind his eyelids but Sam doesn't want to think about Dean. He doesn't and he can't. Because Dean is alone in their room, alone and vulnerable, sleeping and dreaming about Hell. Pleading, begging demons to stop. And Sam can't stand it. He can't watch his brother suffer so much because of him … he knows he's responsible. Guilty. Culprit. He sent his brother in Hell. Not Lilith. Not the crossroad demon. Just him.

" _It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
If you don't have it you're onthe other side  
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)_ "

But everything will change. Once Lilith is dead … everything will change. Sam knows it. Once she's dead …

" _Free me, leave me  
Watch me as I'm going down  
Free me, see me  
Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling. _"

Sam gets up and leaves the room a few hours after Ruby's departure. Without a glance for the old bed and the ugly carpet, the young man closes the door and leaves the motel. In his pocket, his cell vibrates and when he finally pulls it out, his eyes fall on Ruby's SMS.  
"_ See you tomorrow Sammy.  
Sam deletes it quickly and closes his eyes a moment. He is going to need another excuse to explain his behavior. Dean seems too tired and too wrapped in his own little hell – yeah, it's a bad joke – to understand what happens but soon … soon his brother will realize Sam takes off every night and that's the last thing Sam wants. Dean could and would not understand.  
Never.

" _It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive I feel...  
It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive _"

There's no other choice. No other way. He has to do it. He needs it. Because every time he remembers those moments, fear crawls under his skin. When his needs became too strong, too harsh, when his hands shake, his heart beats too hard and his head begins to pound … god, he feels so awful that he can't think of another thing. All of his mind and his body seem to be only focus on one thing: getting some Ruby's blood. Just a little more. To hang on. To carry on. To stop the pain and the cold. To feel alive, again.

" _It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
If you don't have it you're on the other side  
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)  
I'm not an addict..._ "

It's not an addiction, thinks Sam as he texts back to Ruby.  
"_ Tomorrow night. I call you."  
He needs it, needs her but it's not an addiction. Not at all.

The end.


End file.
